How to recognize the ego

Now that we know that we should disidentify ourselves from our ego to find long-term happiness, let’s talk about how we can recognize our ego. Here are some characteristics.

• You only feel fulfilled for a limited time.

Example: You looked very much forward to buying that television. But now that you have it and enjoyed it for a while, it’s just normal. Now you look very much forward to buying a surround system.

• You build expectations based on the past.

Example: Usually, you have clear roles. You buy Ikea furniture. Your partner puts it together. This time your partner says no. “What do you mean no? You always do it.” Instantly, you feel frustrated. 

• You always focus on the future.

Example: You were excited about lying on the beach. Now that you are there, you are thinking about your exciting plans for tonight. 

• You overthink what happened to you.

Example: You have been robbed. Someone broke into your house. How dare he? I can’t believe someone had the nerve to do that!

• You have a difficult time perceiving the difference between the situation and your interpretation and reaction towards that situation.

Example: You are packing for your city trip to Italy. You are checking the weather forecast, and it says 18 degrees and cloudy. Damn it. I should have picked another date. Your friend, however, is glad. “I don’t want to wander around in the heat. I rather have a normal temperature.” 

• You take things personally.

Example: You just proudly bought a house, but your mother responds negatively. She says it would have been better to buy one next year. You instantly feel the need to defend yourself (your ego). However, it is nothing personal. She just has a different opinion. That’s all.

How to break free from the ego

Have you ever noticed that the times you feel most happy, are when you are completely living in the moment? Think about seeing a baby smile at you, feeling the soft fur of a bunny you are petting, enjoying a really good bite of a delicious meal, seeing the sunset, dancing to your favorite song, enjoying the view from a mountain, or sharing a kiss with the person you love. There is a reason we feel so happy during these times. These are all sensory experiences. When we make use of our sensories, they draw us into the moment, and depending on how mindful we are, we can stay in that moment for as long as we want.  

The antidote

The ego stays alive as long as we are not aware of its presence. Therefore, the antidote is hidden in the now. This means that it is not as difficult as you might think to break out of the ego-driven mindset. There is no need for a plan or anything like that. All we need is our mind. When we recognize our ego, we no longer identify with it. Instead, we realize that we are actually the awareness behind it.

When we recognize the characteristics of our egos, we can look out for them. And then, when we realize that it is the ego that is feeling or talking or taking over in any way, we label it for ourselves. “This is my ego.” And then it dissolves. Here is why. The ego cannot survive presence because it is always focused on other moments. You can only want more or different when you are fighting against the current situation. You are using the past for your identification and the future for your satisfaction. And when you aren’t content, you fight against it. In other words, we don’t accept things as they are. We don’t accept the now.

“Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists.”

– Eckhart Tolle in A New Earth

The ego’s function

In my personal opinion, the ego does have a valuable function. After all, it didn’t come into existence without a purpose. I believe our ego exists, so we know when to set boundaries.

Without our egos, only love, acceptance, and appreciation remain. However, sometimes we do need to set boundaries when for example someone treats us in a way that makes us feel very uncomfortable or even hurt. Our ego is there to say “How do you dare to say or do this to me”.

When we are not aware of our ego, we might behave very reactive and ego-driven. I think the trick is to – before we react – be aware of what is happening in our minds and in our bodies. Our ego is quite funny, in fact. It is the steam head that worries about so many things that don’t need any worry. When we know our ego is activated, the next step is to use our mind and think about the proper and best way to respond. Instead of automatically trying to change situations and people to meet our wants and needs, we can accept the situation as it is, take love into account, and respond in a way that is respectful towards the other person and towards ourselves. 

What happens when we are aware of our ego

I personally believe all negativity towards ourselves and others comes from listening to our ego and acting from our ego. Wars happen because of greed, revenge, and grudges. Fights happen because of the need for justice, acknowledgment, and respect. Insecurity is felt because of reputation, a lack of self-compassion, and comparison. When we are aware of our ego, it dissolves. We dare to just be. To be who we are and to do what we need to do to become the best we can be. When our ego dissolves, we find it easier to change for the better because we skip the part in which we try to get away with the things that deep down don’t feel right. Once that happens, all that is left is love and compassion. For ourselves and for the people around us.

Being able to identify our ego gives us so much more freedom. As soon as we would realize that, we can be much more relaxed about life. Realizing the role of the ego in our day-to-day lives gives us the ability to choose the way we live our lives much more consciously.

How breaking free from the ego leads to finding long-term happiness

To find out who we are, we need to feel. And now that you can recognize your ego, you can find out which feelings are coming from you instead of from the ego. When we become more aware of our thoughts and feelings, we are closer to feeling who we truly are. So, what’s next? The thing is, as soon as we try to find the words for who we are, we are identifying ourselves with labels. “I am a woman who [name job, name city you live in, role in the family, etc.]” But often these labels change since we all change. Our jobs change, where we live changes, and even our personality changes. 

Eckhart Tolle says we are our awareness. When we are completely aware and our ego dissolves, all that is left is acceptance, love, and appreciation of the present moment and of ourselves. We can never say we will be happy next year, but this I do know: The more often we can feel that present moment, the more often we feel happiness in the now and if we know how to practice feeling happy now, we know how to feel happy today and tomorrow as well.